aaaand we're still at 2 of 4

no exciting progress pics to post tonight. last night's lack of sleep did me in.  I decided to play with the dogs instead. however now, I'm feeling an incredible amount of guilt for not having worked on the kitchen AT ALL and for not having worked out.  I believe I will at least rectify the latter by banging out some pullups, pushups, and burpees before i collapse.
I DID however, make a huge score off of craigslist today.  Free stone and tile to my hearts content. NICE stuff. The stone is amazing... Can't wait to show you what I plan on doing with it!
With the exception of Sunday plans with friends and the inevitable search and rescue mission(s), I'll be steady working on this little project all weekend. Watch for pics. ...maybe even a video. :) 

2 of 4

2nd piece is down as of 7:20 am this morning. Last two pieces will go down when I get home from work and my new subfloor will be done! :)

1 of 4 ....

Ok...it's 12:06. Drywall is repaired except for one last piece behind the water heater and the 1st piece of new subfloor is layed. 2nd piece has been measured, marked, and ready to be cut as soon as I get home from work tomorrow. 3 more pieces to go and the last two only need small cuts.  Subfloor will be done by tomorrow evening! Woohoo! After that's finished, I start designing the cabinetry/countertop space and choosing materials...

 

I feel like...

the current state of my kitchen.
empty, but hopeful for pretty, warm, comforting things to fill the space.
 

a blank canvas..

 So the kitchen is now empty except for the two cabinets remaining on the wall.
I will leave them there I think.
I already have an idea for their makeover.

Here, there used to be the kitchen sink and single long countertop.

I'm planning on using a multitude of recycled materials such as tile, pallets, and various found wood to build a new countertop and cabinets.
I'm looking forward to this gigantic mess I've jumped into. It will keep me busy for weeks...potentially months.
My goal is to have a completely finished kitchen by Thanksgiving (if not sooner)...

In the meantime...

the former kitchen is in my living/dining room :)

jelly toast heaters

Why does jelly taste different on toast?
It immediately conjures warm childhood memories of mommom.
I miss her.
I wonder if she knows that...

It's cold in the cabin.
It has been for the last several nights and the same crisp chill greets the dogs and I in the morning.
We all awake in a tightly spun huddle of our bodies with a slightly more apparent reluctance to leave the heat of our pile.
The pellet stove is broken so, I use the excuse of wanting toast and jelly to warm myself, although briefly, with the heat of the toaster oven. 

Winter is coming.
I'm looking forward to hibernation.
 

breathe shallow

there are relics in this breath.
pieces of memories that float away like souls.
this ache is their death.
and i breathe shallow
so as not to pull them back in to hold closely.

an inside job

I've started yet another remodeling project in the cabin. This time it's the kitchen that fell victim to my hammer and grandeur ideas. It's not like it was merely a whim based on aesthetic boredom.  I mean the "grandeur" part of my ideas certainly runs away with crazy concepts suitable for the cover photo of Home and Garden however, there are some real structural issues inside the can of worms that i just opened.  A seriously sloping subfloor,  for example. Electrical issues, drywall repair, and space utilization also abound.   Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I've decided to build my own countertops and cabinetry.  Of course I am. Why would I want to go the easy route and buy something.  I've been pondering the very thought myself actually. 
I've noticed some patterns pertaining to my need to "destroy and rebuild stonger" mentality.  This mindset literally runs rampant in everything I do.
Everything.
Don't give me the brand new, shiny stuff. I want the old stuff that someone decided wasn't worth it anymore. 
Worth.
There are volumes and volumes of depth in this word for me.
I am consistently attracted to worn, dilapidated, and discarded things. It's an insatiable need to expose the beauty hidden in the cracks, bent edges, and neglected bones of whatever it is that has cought my undivided attention.  It's a need to prove that what someone else had given up on, thrown away, left on the way side...was really a buried treasure that was merely waiting for someone to see.
It was worth it all along. 
These patterns I mentioned...
Inevitably, I find myself reaching for my tools or looking for a project that allows me to create whenever there is noise on the inside. My insides.
My brain, without fail, turns the non-stop musings of thought and emotions into a physical manifestation of "destroy and build stronger".
 I subconciously address my own internal "sloping subfloors", space management, cracks and bent edges by fixing that which is front of me. Things I can see and touch and feel. Things that I can sand, cut, bend, paint, and beautify in order to feel some fleeting sense of having accomplished the directive. By the time I'm done with this cabin, my insides should be remodeled just perfectly.
Whether it's my own body that I abuse with workouts that leave me puking on the side of the trail, or a kitchen that feels the swing of my hammer as I rip it apart, I always offer the reassurance to the subject of my destruction that the pain will be worth it in the end.
There will be strength.
There will be beauty.
And someone will see that it was worth it all along.

 

...Little Man

that's what i used to call you. remember? u were such a scrawny little guy with a toe head too big for your body until you were about 14, lol.
remember when you wanted to dye your hair? we ended up turning your head aaaand your eyebrows orange and you were screaming that it burned so badly that your eyelashes were gonna fall off.  the only time we laughed harder was the time we put Nair on ONE side of your chest. ..or maybe we laughed harder the time we went through the Dunkin' Donuts drive thru and you ordered "milky" in your demonic voice. i was laughing so hard i couldn't see..or talk and the girl at the window and EVERYONE inside DD was looking at us like we were insane.

we laughed a lot. which in hindsight, i think is pretty damn awesome considering the shit we dealt with at home. i remember so many things about growing up with you. i remember when i realized that i would stop at nothing to protect you.  i remember that trip that we took with dad on the boat.
i think that's actually when i took ownership of being your big sister. i wanted to keep you safe. you seemed so little to me.  and look at you now.  i doubt that there's a single person that would even think twice about crossing you. surely, you're the protector now. right, little brother? how did you get so big?? i saw your photos... i wish there was happiness in your eyes. you look so angry.
you look exactly like dad.

what happened?? where did all your light go? where did you go?...........................

i've written more letters to you than you can imagine. i sent none of them.  the last time we spoke...you told me you hated me. told me that i wasn't your family and to never call you again.  i begged for a reason why.... you could only re-iterate your hatred for me. 
but i don't hate you back, little man. not even for a second.

i wish i could take all this love that i've been storing for you and send it to you in a bottle...but it would take a lot of bottles..and the thought of you breaking every single one of them is heartbreaking. but, i would send them anyway. maybe you would decide to open just one....

i never sent the letters. they live in a box and i pretend that you got them.
i sometimes pretend that you and i haven't missed the last nine years of each other's lives.
i pretend that i know all about how busy you are...and that's why we don't talk. 
you're just busy.  that's all.

i don't hate you back. not even for a second.
it's been nine years but, tonight i am missing you beyond imagine.

i would give anything to hear your voice.
to laugh with you again. to hear all about your life...


maybe someday, baby brother, if you find the time...
i know you're just really busy.
i'll be right here.
i love you.