bRoKEn...

In the deepest and truest moments of love, therein lie the equally deep and inescapable caverns of heartbreak.  Love's antithesis.  For the truest of hearts, their light guides them to the banks of believing...the shore of sincerity and truth.  For others, their shore is never reached and hearts succumb to the tidal waves of anguish with damage too abysmal for repair.  With pleadings for relief and in the desperation to breathe freely amongst the living, one seeks solidarity in the arms of self -worth, the outstretched hands of hope...sometimes only to slip through the fingers of self -doubt and come to final rest on the sands of a love unrequited.  It is in these lowest moments that the purest love pulses with forgiveness, thrives on dreams that once built stairways with dandelions and embraced delicate moonbeams...  It is this pure heart that bleeds a crimson river of clarity for the dancing fingertips of the sun and carves a new path amongst the landscape of broken pieces. It swallows all of your indecisions, your fears, your inabilities, your secrets, your betrayals and instead offers a reflection of what could have been...and loves you even in your refusal to see.

This Year's Love.... didn't.

Where did the time go??

Can't believe that it's been more than 5 months since my last post.  It's impressive how much life can be squeezed into a mere 150 or so days! Here's a recap for those of you wondering what the hell I've been up to.

• Fell in love
• Started the spring semester
• Had my Florida "kids" move out to CO with me
• Was selected as 1 of 14 for Alpine's Search and Rescue training class
• Had my heart completely crushed
• Got back into the best shape of my life
• Started a veterinary internship
• Became president of the UC Denver Future Doctors Club
• Realized she was not at all worth my tears nor the money I was spending on tissues
• Completed Alpine Search and Rescue training and became field active
• Became an official employee of the veterinary office I was interning with
• Bought a Jeep!!
• Finished the spring semester
• Gained a much deeper understanding of ME, who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be
• Developed a deep appreciation for those in my life whom embrace sincerity and honesty as a keystone of their character
• Stood in on several incredible surgeries at work and was offered an internship with the mobile surgeon
• Discovered that I really like expensive cabernet, lol
• Started building a deck at my cabin
• In the midst of planning some pretty incredible veterinary opportunities for myself

That's it in a nutshell. For those of you that know me... if I'm forgetting something feel free to add to the list.

I've recently been diagnosed with H.D.D...

It can happen to any of us. A diagnosis that falls out of the sky causing us to re-evaluate EVERYTHING, right down to the way in which we breathe, walk across the street, and tie our shoes.  It's an awakening that spawns an inner dialogue of self reflection, sometimes judgement, and reconsideration of choices made.
My diagnosis of H.D.D. came a mere 24 hours ago in the most unlikely of forms and location for such a revealing.  I was taking long sips out of my short glass of Captain and Sprite at my favorite watering hole along side a co-worker whom was contemplatively stirring her margarita.  Our conversation had sauntered in and out of remarks over the Rockies game playing on the bar's tv and our deepest heartfelt aspirations as women aiming to become something meaningul when we grow up. She a nurse, myself a veterinary surgeon...among other things.  Lofty goals floating on the horizon for both of us...
Bar chatter of the locals and the noise of a persistent straw searching for any remnants of liquid left hiding in between ice cubes cut through our moment of quiet, self evaluations.  It was a sigh and long stare that preceded her nonchalant, yet confident metaphorical slap of my disease declaration that she obviously had harbored knowledge of for quite some time.
 "You have H.D.D., Stace.  You suffer from Hero Deficiency Disease.  Every goal you have is somehow related to saving the world." 
I chuckled. That kindof reactive chuckle that falls out like a gutteral reflex when you're not sure if someone is joking or not.  She smiled back but not the I'm just kidding smile.  She smiled in that unwavering I'm being dead serious so deal with it kindof smile.  In true search and rescue style I returned to a dedicated probe search for Captain hiding in my glass.  The diagnosis was sinking in to my bloodstream faster than my short glass of happy hour and the million thoughts that had just been set into motion gave the false, dizzy feeling of being buzzed.

She was right.  I fill my days, my moments, my head with marathon like loops of "have to's", "should's", "gotta's", "how can I help?" and "I will's" until I'm exhausted by the weight of the dreams and aspirations I carry around in a backpack too big for my frame. 
H.D.D... I wonder if it's curable.  Somehow, I have a gut feeling my condition is terminal...
If the cure is to adopt a more conventional, mediocre existence than I'll take my chances with the prognosis.  I'd rather die being a hero to someone than die having been nothing at all.

Heart Shaped Compass

Fear and Uncertainty.
An interwoven, paradoxal pair of emotions that travel together, testing the fortitude of all that they infiltrate. Emotions capable of bringing forth the deepest rooted constitutions in all of us.

They patiently await our protests as they build their architectural colliseums of doubt...a personal prison of our own design.  Daring our bravery, they offer up the opportunity to hone our intuition, our metal, our listening ears, our willingness to risk...
They offer the chance to examine and deconstruct the questions that tangle our steps.
A chance to forget what we were afraid of to begin with...
They spin a cobwebbed maze so tightly, that the desire of the heart is our only path to truth.
The dance with these two can either be a beautiful story of triumph, freedom, and celebration....or, it can simply become one of paralyzing regret that runs like a ticker tape behind closed eyelids...
displaying your choices and consequences on an endless reel of tears. 
For some the chasm to cross seems deeper and wider than they can handle and they teeter unmoving on the edge, until finally all that awaited them on the other side has withered under the weight of heartbreak.
Others build a bridge made of hope and faith, and follow a compass whose true north bleeds red with passion...and offer their heart to those whom cannot see.


May we all be blessed with the courage to leap, the strength to carry those whom cannot, and the wisdom to know when to walk away.

Cabin Makeover...so far :)

I'm taking a couple days off but in the meantime, enjoy the random photos of cabin transformation over the last 4 weeks. Some of the pics are self explanatory, others might prove challenging to decipher...feel free to ask for clarification on what you're looking at :)

Bloody knuckles, hairy legs, and cabin remodeling 101

I haven't shaved my legs in almost 4 weeks.  I've also worn the same pair of jeans.  It's true.  And I don't care. (I have shaved my armpits however, and maintained other grooming necessities just to clear up any concerns).  My days have been completely consumed by undertaking the task of turning this shabby chic little cabin into something a bit more cozy and warm.  Other than leaving the house to do some communtiy volunteering and Alpine Search and Rescue class, my days and nights are spent with a hammer, nails, my drill, drywall mud, paint, and wood of some sort.  (I do shower and change clothes for social occasions in which public interaction is inevitable...but I still don't shave my legs).  I'm almost curious as to how long leg hair really gets when left to run willy nilly. It's 10:20pm...I quit my tim the toolman routine early tonight.  A productive day was had, however.  So far, this month of chest pounding accomplishments has covered a range of skill sets.  Some of these talents I was aware I posessed, others were a pleasant surprise, like being able to use my head, shelves, and strategically placed cinder blocks to hold an 8' sheet of plywood to the beams in the ceiling....literally.  This could quite possibly be the source of my headache or the odd feeling of being shorter this evening.  Either way, using my noggin paid off.  Nothing is more true than the old adage "necessity is the mother of invention".  When you're a wee 63" from the ground, weilding power tools, and materials larger than yourself, creative problem solving rules the day.  I've got splinters, scabbed up knuckles, random cuts and bruises and paint that refuses to come off,  all as progress souvenirs.  Tomorrow my day begins again with my lucky jeans, my hoodie, a cup of tea, and trusy Pandora to jolt me into super hero action.  Before and after pics will be coming soon...to include the hairy legs ;)