The Dugout Method: Sping, Cujo, and other hygenic attrocities that can kill the UHAUL. A series.

Yet another impending date for yet another really good friend. Not a blind date however.  This one has been 'rehearsed' a few times.  Never the less, she expressed exhaustion at the hassles of  date preparation such as shaving, tweezing, etc., due to still being within the confines of newness and behind the 3 month threshold.  This led to an interesting discussion in which the Top 5 hygenic areas (above the belt) were identified and strategically termed the The Dugout.  I'll explain later.  Moving forward...thorough grooming and self awareness is of the utmost importance during this fresh phase of impressive facades and sizing up whether you plan on taking it to more serious levels within the relationship.  You know what I'm talking about...the levels where you can be completely gross with each other and it have no impact on the relationship.  An 'open door policy' if you will.  For those of you that have seen Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore, you know what I'm talking about.  Ehemmm...until this status is reached however, there are aspects of personal hygeine that under no circumstances can be neglected during this incredibly important dance of seduction in which you lure your object of desire into even wanting to entertain such intimacy with you in the future.  We shall begin the first part of this series with Lips...the gateway to conversation, laughter, and hopefully other recreational activities. Lips can be incredibly inviting, seductive,....or completely crippling. There are two evilities that effect the lips. Let's discuss Sping. Sping can be the death of ALL progress no matter how well things are going.  Sping = that tiny string of spit that has somehow glued itself between the top and bottom lip, usually smack dab in the center, and has elastic properties that would make even spider man envious.  Unless there is a need for a vertical escape route via those fleshy flaps on the face, Sping is NEVER a good thing. Soon, no conversation is heard as all concentration is magically sucked into the Sping vortex like a bad infomercial.  For me, this is just a breaking point I can't move past.  I either offer her a drink, make hand gestures that will hopefully prompt her subconscious to examine the area in question, or I simply have to stop looking at her. Call me shallow but it's better than throwing up on my date.  The second chunk churner is Cujo Corners. It's that incredible 'how do you not notice the thick white spit making a nest in the corners of your mouth' kind of gross that might just trump Sping depending on the severity.  It's like a double whammy, becasue it never just happens on one side...and it usually gets worse. I don't care how attracted I am to my date, if she starts turning into Cujo, all bets are off. I can't help it. Now thus far, I have addressed these issues as though it's your date experiencing these unfortunate, physiological anomolies.  However, this must not give you a false sense of security that you are immune to such deal breakers.  This brings me back to The Dugout method. The areas we will be discussing in the next few days are all conveniently located on the head/face.  The lips, teeth, nose, eyes, and ears.  With the close proximity of the aforementioned, a bit of practice can make even a less than coordinated Don Juan get through The Dugout Method with a well seasoned third base coach's subtleties.  It's all in the head tilt, the laugh, and the casual movements.  A Dugout Pro can manage a 'clean sweep' in well under 15 seconds.  With a mirror or a close friend who can manageably control their laughter, you can create your very own Dugout routine and be confident in your immunity to UHAUL killers like Sping and Cujo Corners. That is all for now kids.  Tune in again tomorrow for a titilating discussion on Furry Enamel and Garlic Nots.